Regret

It was like a knife through the back and straight to the heart. It came as a surprise. It shouldn’t have, but it did. I should have known her true nature, but I am too trusting. I didn’t think that would come back to bite me. But it did.

Now, I regret it. I regret everything I sacrificed to be her friend. I regret the time I invested in trying to make it work out. I regret the tears I shed over our shattered friendship.

But most of all, I regret that I still have the desire to make it work out. After all the pain, heartache, and stress she caused, I still want to be friends. We were best friends. Inseparable. On the same wave length. We didn’t have to say a word to know what the other was thinking.

But now?

Now, I can’t think about her without rage and regret in my gut and pain in my heart.

What hurts the most is that I have no idea what caused this betrayal. I thought we were good. I thought we would be best friends forever. I thought I could trust her.

I was wrong. And I hate to admit that.

I don’t understand why this had to happen. I thought friends were supposed to be able to recover after a fight. That was the nature of it. True friends are able to disagree. I accept that.

But what am I supposed to do now? I’ve lost my best friend. It’s like losing a part of me. I guess this is what “breaking up” feels like, but I doubt it. It’s more like your sister stabbing you in the back and watching you bleed out while chuckling to herself. Then when you feel like you’re about to fade, she takes the knife out and stabs you again. And again. Sorry for being so morbid, but I’m a crime writer. What did you expect?

The only thing I can do about this is learn. I hope it doesn’t callous me. I hope I can learn my lesson so I don’t have to experience this again. A wise man once said: “A fool learns from his mistakes, but a truly wise man learns from the mistakes of others.” So let me give you some advice in the form of a story, mainly because I am not a fan of the direct method. Take what you want from this:

All throughout the time we were roommates, every time I would find something that would get under my skin, I would ask myself, “Is this worth losing a friend over?” Every time, the answer was no. Dishes in the sink? Not worth it. The ugly Christmas tree that you wanted me to buy? Not worth it. The big-ass TV stand that didn’t fit in the apartment and you had to put the furniture in the most un-fung shui way? It wasn’t worth it.

I cared more about keeping a friend happy than I did my own happiness. I’m not saying that is a bad thing, but I missed the signs. I was continually sacrificing things I wanted to do and my desires for someone else’s happiness. Someone else who didn’t reciprocate the actions. Not once, did she sacrifice anything for me. It was always her way or not at all.

As I said, I should have seen the signs, but I didn’t. But if I could go back and change anything, the only thing I would change would be not moving out with her. Would I still be her friend? Yes. Would I still ask myself the friend question? Yes. Would I still sacrifice things for her? Probably.

I’m probably confusing you right now, but my point is this:

I am who I am because of the choices I’ve made.

I take full responsibility for my choices and I will have to face the consequences. I accept that. I wish I didn’t have to, but I strongly believe in justice. You get what you deserve.

But I’m also a firm believer in mercy. Kindness is powerful. It is not a weakness, although it may feel like that sometimes. No, it is powerful. Only strong people can show kindness. Yes, a child who is kind to a puppy is strong. They are not afraid of what people thing. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to being a child. But that is a topic for another day.

Getting back on track, kindness and mercy are powerful traits. I believe that people get what they deserve. You do wrong, you pay the price. You do good, you get rewarded. But I’m an advocate of second chances and seeing the good in every person and situation.

So while this friend may have hurt me beyond measure, I can still see the good in this situation. I will grow from this. I will take what I’ve learned and become a better person. I don’t hate my former best friend. I could never do that. But we could never go back to being friends . I don’t wish her ill (mercy), but I wish her out of my life (justice).

I’m probably still confusing you, but that’s who I am. I’m full of conflicting emotions.

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